Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
they're like a gay fantastic four
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
