Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I didn't shave. On purpose
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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