That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize