I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
