that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
