So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
