I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
