A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
