We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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