My sheets look like a crime scene.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
