Redeem this text for a blowjob
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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