Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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