So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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