Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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