I'm jealous of your bromance
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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