I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
