Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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