It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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