I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize