Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
