TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
