Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
