I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
