Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
