break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
