Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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