Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
