Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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