Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
