either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
