Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
two words: eviction party
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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