Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
