Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you win again, gameday.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
