Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize