So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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