she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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