Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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