This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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