First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
