I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
