oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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