i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
