did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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