I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
