You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
