Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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