Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
