his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
