y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
