youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
