I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize