I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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