stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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