i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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