Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He passed out mid-signature
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
