why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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