She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
