one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
