You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How naked do you want me to be?
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