when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize