Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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