Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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