Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
