Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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