omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
