So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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