if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The best revenge is premature balding
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
