im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
