Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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