My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have tasted many bathrooms
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
