We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
