Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
