Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
