WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
