he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
