All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize