My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
