i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
